icimdebisikintivar.

onun gozlerinden dunyaya bakmakla yetinemezdi, disari cikmak zorundaydi. kendini gosermek, dunyanin etine dislerini gecirip gercekligin  tadina bakmak istiyordu. bunu onu tuketen bir istah ve sehvetle isiyordu, mantik, sagduyu ve hatta onuru bu tutku karsisinda eriyor, yerini heycana ve dillenmeye bes kalmis bahanelere birakiyordu. Buyuyen ve sonmeyen hirsi onun da ruyalarina giriyor, o da kendisini olmadik yerlerde olmadik seyler yaparken buluyordu. Digeri bir sekilde yine de kontrolde kalmayi, ustelik onun icinde bulundugu heycani hic fark etmeyerek, hakimiyeti korumayi uzun bir sure basardi. Ta ki o, yumusak ve islak bir ekim sabahina gozlerini acana dek.

this is one of the red nights. nights when you are afraid of something but you dont know what that is.
dunyanin buyuklugunde teselli buldugum gunler mazide kaldi.

From my subconsciousness to yours

" even right now, you are condescending. A moment ago weren't you all about greatness of  those young and passionate to learn?  But it is not their greatness, it is their naiveity you lust after.You thrive to be the teacher, to teach them what they are. "

" how dare- "

" and i dont need it. I don't know who i am at all times but i know what i am. and i always remember it. "

" Is that so? What are you, than?  "

" Magneficent. "

goodbye summar

icimdeki su dolduramadigim hava bosluguyla ilgili ne yapcagimi bir turlu cozemedim. hayir vorteks misali butun motivasyonumu cekip kurutmasa iyiydi de simdi cidden boku yedik sayin dinleyiciler.

Of family and all

"Mom, no Jennifer, listen to me. Listen. What do you know? What do you know about me?"

"I am your mother Freya, i know you better- "

"No you don't! Mom, you don't. You only know how i am. You  only know what i do because you see me doing it. You have seen me doing and you have been there all along but you dont know me Jen, how can you? You've seen me me growing up, you have seen me cry, struggle and deal with whatever it is. But what else do you know? When was the last time we talked? The last time you listened?  Think. The most i have said to you was how stressed i fuckin was about doing this or that and that was only because it was the obvious thing to talk about. What do you know about Freya Jen? What? Do you know my dreams? Do you know what i am in my mind? Do you have any idea what i want from my life or how i want to live it? Do you have any idea what my desires can be or the things i am capable of?"

"I-"

"Stop. I know what you'll say. You will say it is me who does not talk. Me who does not tell you things.But i would. Jen, i would if i thought you'd understand only a fraction of them. Or if i knew you would not belittle me with your grand life experience. What do you know about me jen? You know i like to read, right? That i write and i listen to music and i draw. Do you ever get curious of what i read? What i write? What i draw? What i dream of? You always hated to talk about our problems.Our experiences. Whenever Richard did that, tried to talk to you, you would listen him only with that impossible arrogance in your eyes. We both know how you think of him. That you think he is weak. You think everybody who comes to you and talkes to you about their life or whatever they are facing, are weak. You have said it yourself, Jen don't try to deny it. We both know. But this is not about them, is it? It is about us. me. So tell me what you know. Do you know that i smoke? Who my first kiss was? When? My first crush? My first boyfriend? Girlfriend? Yeah, girlfriend. Did you know that mom? I knew you had your doubts, espcially after you came to me and said "i dont want you to be like that."  Like that. It was so easy for you. Like that. Like those."

"Well, bad news for you mom. I am like that. Very much.

C'mon don't act as you dont understand what i am talking about. You know very well. At first i thought it would be easier for me you know? Compared to the others. Because you have always been awesome like that and i thought you would just say fine and life would go on. Mighty wrong i was. I guess my brother got that homophobia from you didn't he? And he is such a democrat. Funny family we are. Ow, c'mon, don't cry now. I am not saying these things to make you cry. "

"I need you to know me mom. Or i can't be here, can't be with you."

" Are you going to say anything? "

...

" Mom ? "

 ...

"All right, than."

...

"Goodbye Jen."

brad'e

"adamim bu kucuk islere ben bakarim"

brad

annenle annemi masada biraktim, ne kadar hayta ve yakisikli bi zampara oldugundan gonullerince bahsetsinler diye. eve nasil yurudum, yolda nasil agladim insanlar duymasin diye once sessiz sessiz sonra sanki yarada kirilip kalmis bicaklar gibi parcalana parcalana etimden atarak. kac ay oldu simdi? yirmi dort? yirmi bes? aklim yaniltiyor beni bazen sanki bir omurdur olusun gibi geliyor. Yirmi bes aydir boyle guzel zehirli sozlerden kaciyordum, ve cok masum ama basit bir oyunla dustum tuzaga. annem, annen ve ben, dekorda cay bardaklari ve kulluk. Senin picliklerini anlatirlarken birbirlerine, sevgililerini ve zamparaliklarini yesererek dinledim yuzumdeki igrenc siritisi bozmadan.icten ice donarak. onlar eski sevgililerini hatirlar ve kiyaslarlarken caresizligim dilimi kenetledi, halbuki tek istedigim ayaga kalkip bagirmakti, sana ne kadar asik oldugumu sana hep ne kadar asik oldugumu. Bir yabanci, erisilmez bir kuleye bakan aptal bir yabanci gibi hissettiriyordu onlarin sicaklik ve nostaji yuklu konusmalari. Tuhaf bir kindarlikla hedef tahtalari gibi delik desik ettikleri kizlarin safliklari, gorgusuzlukleri ve eksikleri dokuldu bir bir. Senden bahsedelerkense tatli bir sempati vardi seslerinde. Onlara katildim, iyice sarmaladim kendimi. Bu iki yasli kadin benim de o kizlardan oldugumu, sana pervasizca asik olan o aptal kizlardan oldugumu hic bilmeyecekler. Yine de, oturmus bu mektubu yaziyorken hala farkli oldugumu dusunmeden edemiyorum. Sana hic bir sey vermemistim o kizlarin aksine, hic bir sey almamistim. Tamamen karsiliksiz, tamamen sebepsiz ve dile dokulunce kocaman yesil bir hictik. Sen hayatin boyunca hep cok sevmistin, hep fazla sevmistin ve hep sevmistin birilerini. Surekli asiktin Brad ya buna ya ona veya suna. Bense kenarda durup korkusuzca oksadigin butun ellerde kendi ellerimi hayal etmis, koselerden yasak elmayi isteyen havva gibi izlemistim seni. Kimseyi annen kadar sevmemistin. Belki o ufak arkadasin chanson'i, birde beni biraz severdin. Benim de seni biraz ama kesintisiz, hic kesintisiz sevdigim gibi. Kacamak bakislarimiz ve bahsetmeye degmeyecek kadar kucuk sirlarimiz vardi. Seni hep suphelendikleri sessiz bir askla sevdim. Sen gittigine gore asla soylemeyecegim.