From my subconsciousness to yours

" even right now, you are condescending. A moment ago weren't you all about greatness of  those young and passionate to learn?  But it is not their greatness, it is their naiveity you lust after.You thrive to be the teacher, to teach them what they are. "

" how dare- "

" and i dont need it. I don't know who i am at all times but i know what i am. and i always remember it. "

" Is that so? What are you, than?  "

" Magneficent. "

Of family and all

"Mom, no Jennifer, listen to me. Listen. What do you know? What do you know about me?"

"I am your mother Freya, i know you better- "

"No you don't! Mom, you don't. You only know how i am. You  only know what i do because you see me doing it. You have seen me doing and you have been there all along but you dont know me Jen, how can you? You've seen me me growing up, you have seen me cry, struggle and deal with whatever it is. But what else do you know? When was the last time we talked? The last time you listened?  Think. The most i have said to you was how stressed i fuckin was about doing this or that and that was only because it was the obvious thing to talk about. What do you know about Freya Jen? What? Do you know my dreams? Do you know what i am in my mind? Do you have any idea what i want from my life or how i want to live it? Do you have any idea what my desires can be or the things i am capable of?"

"I-"

"Stop. I know what you'll say. You will say it is me who does not talk. Me who does not tell you things.But i would. Jen, i would if i thought you'd understand only a fraction of them. Or if i knew you would not belittle me with your grand life experience. What do you know about me jen? You know i like to read, right? That i write and i listen to music and i draw. Do you ever get curious of what i read? What i write? What i draw? What i dream of? You always hated to talk about our problems.Our experiences. Whenever Richard did that, tried to talk to you, you would listen him only with that impossible arrogance in your eyes. We both know how you think of him. That you think he is weak. You think everybody who comes to you and talkes to you about their life or whatever they are facing, are weak. You have said it yourself, Jen don't try to deny it. We both know. But this is not about them, is it? It is about us. me. So tell me what you know. Do you know that i smoke? Who my first kiss was? When? My first crush? My first boyfriend? Girlfriend? Yeah, girlfriend. Did you know that mom? I knew you had your doubts, espcially after you came to me and said "i dont want you to be like that."  Like that. It was so easy for you. Like that. Like those."

"Well, bad news for you mom. I am like that. Very much.

C'mon don't act as you dont understand what i am talking about. You know very well. At first i thought it would be easier for me you know? Compared to the others. Because you have always been awesome like that and i thought you would just say fine and life would go on. Mighty wrong i was. I guess my brother got that homophobia from you didn't he? And he is such a democrat. Funny family we are. Ow, c'mon, don't cry now. I am not saying these things to make you cry. "

"I need you to know me mom. Or i can't be here, can't be with you."

" Are you going to say anything? "

...

" Mom ? "

 ...

"All right, than."

...

"Goodbye Jen."

Maddy the Mad mads in a madness filled thaetre

(Enter Maddy. She has killed everyone in the church.  She is swinging uncontrollably, mumbling to herself and repeating her words)
"Blasphemy! Blasphemy!"
"No! Bless me, bless me." (Turns to the priest, runs over where he sits and kneels. she grabs his hands.)
"Bless me father! YES, YES finally, i see the light. Bless me father. I will be forgiven and reborn in your hands."
Priest : I-
"I was lost." (she  gets up and turns to the stage in a dreamy manner)
"I thought i was alone in the dark, we were alone, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Rolling deep in our darknesses, in chaos. But i can see the light now. That we belong and mean. I mean. I see the puzzle, God's mistery and i am a part of it. Everything fits. I fit, isn't that right?" (Turns to the priest)" I can see the god now."
(she kneels before him once again and looks directly in his face) "Bless me father, i can see the god in your face. You are my god, aren't you, here to take me in your arms. You have come for me."
(She puts her head in his lap) "Your lost lamb. Bless me, god."
Priest : I-i can't, my child, i am not the god.
(Looks at him again)"Bless me god. I know this is a test of my faith. I have been...bad. I have sinned.  But i will be good now. "(looks away) "There is light instead of darkness, fate not chaos."
(Turns back to priest) "I will put my life in your hands. Bless me."
Priest : Child, lady, i am not god. I can not forgive you, you can only ask him to forgive you.
(Her back is straight but her head is down. she whispers, eyes closed) "Forgive my sins, and i shall be reborn."
(Silence lasts .)
Priest : Like i said, i can not. It is not my-
"Aren't you god?" (her head is still down, she is very serious)
Priest : No, I-    (Her shoulders drop, she is hunched)
"Won't you ...forgive me?"
Priest: I -
"So, it was a lie!"(Holds her head up. there are tear tracks on her face, eyes are still closed)
(opens her eyes) "God is not."(She moves to her feet swiftly) "Just like i have always known."
Priest : I - (she interrupts him again, this time very angry)
"Shut up. You are a monkey, born from oblivion into  oblivion. A fucking charlatan. I put my life in your hands and you rejected it. You are not god." (Reaches inside her jacket and pulls out her gun) "So now, your life is in mine."
(she holds the gun up and smells it. Starts talking to herself) "Oh the sweet home madness, feels good to be back. I see it know. everything is left to me as always, it is in my hands. "
Priest : please please -
"Please me, i shall. It is all laid out for me, ripe for the picking." (she looks at him and explains) "You are nothing, just a speck. A tiny blind speck , no meaning in you. See? Nothing to be afraid of, you are not even alive."(she stops, talking to herself) "I am at the top again, and there are all these pretty colours."
(she shots him twice without looking at him. He shakes with the force but he has no  breath. Maddy smiles peacefully.)  "This world rolls in darkness, just like me. Noone rules, so i do. There is no order, only me. " (She turns and starts walking out of the stage)

"No one is watching him die..poor monkey. he never understood...

RANTING WITH MYSELF

isn't that weird we only love things that dont exist? i dont mean just me or us, i mean everybody. music, movies, characters or even god. i mean i get the whole shit about falling in love with an image of a person you dream of, thats what everybody does. but isn't there a single thing in this world that's real, as in metarial we could love? puppies dont count. music isn't real, movies aren't real, lovers are only what we want of them thus they're farthest from real and dont even get me on about god.
i guess that is why they say love is not real huh
we do put quite much into the word real for a group of monkeys who lives for nothing but unreal.hey, nevermind. thats just a fancy way of saying human.
oh you know another way of saying human? you're gonna die, that's it.

we are not the good girls. we are not the bad. I would say we are the cool ones but i know somebody would definetely oppose. Listen, we are us. We are your friends. We are your friends when you are good, when you are bad, when you are off your rocket. And we will be right there with you, 'till the end.

So. You wanna be normal? I dont. Do you wanna be with normals? Be accepted and loved? Stand with the crowd, on your feet and kicking?  Do you want to stand where they stand really? Because i would not. If i could choose, -and hey, i do!- i would be right where you are. On my knees, hurt and wounded by everything they, everything you would throw at me and alive and still myself.  I would not change that, not for anything on the earth, and definetely not to be like them. To become one of  them. A judgemental prick, that is.